Why I am here…

Hello, I am Michael. This does not mean much to many people but I am an Ordinary man.

I am writing because, I am also a listener and it is clear that Men are just as understood as any other demographic. We can be complicated. We Love, we hurt, we laugh and we cry. We are told to be one way but expected to act in a totally different manor.  We are expected to be strong but over look the vulnerability of being human.

While I am no Phd, I am a man. It doesn’t take an extreme amount of education to understand what I have been and seen for an entire lifetime. I will not sugar coat life and I will not overly complicate it either. What I want to do is give all that would see, a window into the life of men without bravado or judgement.

PERCEPTIONS

Have you ever heard the statement, perception is everything. I have and I used to think that it was an undeniable truth! I thought that what you see is the truth and the way that others will see or react to you. I am no longer so certain.

Though my recent life changes, it has been brought to my attention, my perception and others perception differ greatly. I have also come to understand that what others see is often a complete opposite of my reality. This is why I am no longer in agreement with the previous belief in that statement.

For years, I have believed that I outwardly appeared to be a very upbeat person! I did whatever I could to present a positive outlook for the people in my life. I did everything that I could to bring a smile to the lives of the people who surrounded me. I kept my melancholy to myself. I always looked for the silver lining and kept pushing forward. There was a honest belief in the power of positivity and being optimistic!

This is how I thought people would see me. Boy was I wrong! A couple of very dear friends recently pointed this out to me. Both friends stated, “I had a dark cloud” over me. I seemed so unhappy. This completely surprised me. I had no idea that anyone saw me like this. Not that I was hiding my sadness, I just never wanted to darken anyone else’s day. I was always very happy to be in the presence of my friends and very excited that they allowed me to be a influential part of their lives. I believed that this would show through!

It took my life being turned upside down and loosing what I believed to be all I wanted to change this perception. Today, I often hear that I have changed. The clouds are gone and I seem so much more happy. I have to laugh at this because I usually feel as if I no longer have any chance of happiness! I feel like I am in the darkest days of my life and simply doing all I can to make it day by day. It is hilarious to me, that everyone sees me as having the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. What they see is the polar opposite of how I feel. How I feel definitely has not been what I have shown!

This makes me wonder. Does anyone ever really see another? What is real and what is perceived? I ask myself these questions but, how many others even see this possibility? Life is full of questions so it is not likely that many would stop to ask these questions. After all “Seeing is believing.” That is at least what I’ve heard all my life. I did not ask until my life started falling apart. It wasn’t visible to me until all that I believe to be true was stripped away.

I am happy for those in my life who shared their perception of me because it has helped me to have a better picture of myself. Thank you to all who see me.

Why I am Here

Hello, I am Michael. This does not mean much to many people but I am an Ordinary man.

I am writing because, I am also a listener and it is clear that Men are just as understood as any other demographic. We can be complicated. We Love, we hurt, we laugh and we cry. We are told to be one way but expected to act in a totally different manor.  We are expected to be strong but over look the vulnerability of being human.

While I am no Phd, I am a man. It doesn’t take an extreme amount of education to understand what I have been and seen for an entire lifetime. I will not sugar coat life and I will not overly complicate it either. What I want to do is give all that would see, a window into the life of men without bravado or judgement.

Emotionally Handicapped

On a recent Facebook post, a question was posed to the group.  Basically asking, why is it that men have so much difficulty with expressing their emotions.  This was one of the best questions I had seen in the group yet.  I have struggled myself as a man to find the answer for many years. The questions has also molded and directed the majority of my relationships in both positive and negative ways.

I immediately jumped in to answer the question. As I see the problem, men are all handicapped from a early age. You see, we as males, are told not to cry. We are told that there is something wrong with us if we show emotions even before we start talking. Boys are supposed to be tough and strong. We learn to equate emotions with weakness. As we get older, these ideas are often pushed even further so by the time we are adults and in the world on our own, we are mostly train wrecks!

It doesn’t take large and long studies to show what I am saying. We know behavior is learned. We also know that it is difficult to unlearn. We know that what our parents and peers impress upon us in our formative years will affect us throughout our entire lives. When we really examine how we treat young men in the society today, I wonder why anyone is ever surprised.

From the time boys are in diapers we basically are teaching them to be jerks! So why are we surprised that men are emotionally stunted? So many women that I talk to or hear say they don’t understand why men are the way they are. No one looks at how we are teaching the boys to behave in the first place. We are creatures of extreme and just do not admit it. While many are starting to realize the issues, many who do see go to far in the opposite direction.

As a man, I struggle on a daily basis. I love my family and friends. I also know that the majority of them would be extremely uncomfortable with my expression of love. Why do I say this, I see it every day. I have recently suffered the lost of my partner through divorce. It has devastated me emotionally. It has hurt in ways that I did not actually believed that was possible. Months later I feel as if it has just happened even though I am now so happy that it has happened.  Even though, I realized that it may have been the best thing that has happened outside the joy of my children, both natural and the step-children.

All of this said, as a man, I wouldn’t want one of my sons to suffer what I am suffering.  Having feeling that you do not  understand is difficult. Having feeling that you cannot speak to anyone about is horrendous. It is a shame to think of all the little boys walking around in Adult skins with no hope of  finding someone to understand them . Not feeling safe to seek the help to understand themselves. This is why men choose to suffer alone. While sitting here pondering what can be done a very quick search showed me that men suffer the highest suicide rates world wide. While I am not say that this is the reason, I can say as a man, I can see how this is a great deal of a contributing factor.

 

 

There No Good Men

Please do not say it to me.
That is all I want to say
I sit and share your pain each and every day

Please save me from your friendship
Where I listen and shoulder your grief
I listen to your words in utter disbelief

You say I am such a good friend
You tell me I am great
You say that we could have been good
If I wasn’t met so late

I care, I love , I’m there for you
Every step and stumble
I wish to stand up for myself
No longer being humble

I am the one whom you can’t see
Those words you use distresses me
You disregard and ignore me

I am the one you want to know
No good Men so now I must go

 

Are you okay?

This is something I believe everyone ask another at some point in their life. I know i ask it of the people I care for every time I sense that something is bothering them. I get asked the same question at least 3 times a week. I think that we do it out of instinct and are not even aware that we are about to ask the question.

Lets first address that, even though it is a mindless question, it is asked out of true concern. Nobody would ask it if they did not have real concern. The reason I say that it is a mindless question is, because even though I ask it, I see it being asked and I am asked myself, not one person I know has ever been able to answer the follow up question. Which is, why do you ask. We say, you seem off or you do not seem like yourself. We never ask with something tangible.

The truth is, we have noticed that the individual is not alright. Something is wrong and even though we care somewhat, what we are really doing is pointing it out that the individual is not acting like themselves and we want them to snap out of it. I am slowly realizing that I am glad that someone has noticed but I absolutely dislike the question. It feel that it is crazy that I ask it or that anyone ask it of another.

My gut has been telling me lately to say, No I am not alright! I do not want to lie to you so if you really want to know, pull up a chair and let me cry on your shoulder. I have pain to unload so get ready! But of coarse I do not do this. Nobody does! I am also realizing, due to my experience is, if I notice that something is so wrong that a person has changed their behavior then they are definitely not alright. If I really care and want to know I should simply say how can I help you, I see that something is wrong and I care.

Now I am not saying that people do not care when they ask. I am only saying that we obviously see something wrong so we should just get to the point. We already know that the first time we ask almost everyone will instinctively state “nothing is wrong” or “I am okay.” We know this before we even answer the question. I know that I do.

In my days of gloom I suppose what I really want is a hug and for someone to actually say that they see that I am not okay and they still care for me. If I want they will sit with me until I am or they have to go. This is also what I really want to say. I see you, I love you and I am all ears if you need to talk. These are the things I really want to say. I have been able to follow it up after I asked the mindless question and I am told that they are okay.

Aubrey

My daughter once asked why I loved her mom. This was probably the only time I can ever remember not giving her a direct answer. The question was extremely difficult and I do not believe that I ever actually answered.

I am not sure why she asked the question but, the question stuck with me and now that we have gone our separate ways, it has made me ask questions. The fact is, none of us ever know why we love a person. I do not think that we can if we have real love. The questions that I have been forced to ask myself has made me realize that the majority of people who claim love really do not understand love. I have what I now consider as a blessing. People talk to me. Everyone does! I once believed it was a curse but I now think differently. In having people talk to me, I have learned that everyone has a different idea of what love is due to their experiences and personal desires.

In examination of the emotion, I have come to realize that Love can not be defined. It can not be contained. It is a force that encompasses many concepts and defies as many. Where there is real love, it will defy logic, reason and all that we know. In some ways, we all want it but we are not all capable of knowing or truly experiencing it. It is a blessing and a curse all at once. It can make us feel ecstatic and also make us dread life all together. With it we can feel like accomplishing miracles. Without it, we can wish for death. Love may be the most important concept that we can never truly understand.

In a recent conversation with a dear friend, the idea of Love had a moment of clarity for me. I have read and examined it for so long but never had a moment that was like this one. I knew what was being said and have always felt this way but I realized, in this moment, that it really doesn’t matter what we think we know because you have to see or experience it to even begin to grasp it.

Love is something that confounds us all. We think of it as how we feel. What makes us happy. What we share but this is simply not true. True, we have it and give it. We feel it and want it but,  this is only the tip of a iceberg. It can not be narrowed down to something small and concise. When we attempt to define what it is, it will grow beyond our understanding. It will sit besides us then run away. We can not hold it or keep it because it will go it’s own way.

Love is, not how we feel but what we give. It is not about us. If someone says that they know simply because of how they feel, then they just have not examined it. Love is, about others. You cannot stop giving it no matter how you try. You will do all you can to get rid of it but the more that you try, the more you will feel.  Beg how you may, it will not stop. The more that you fight the more it will hurt.  If it is real, you can not ignore it, deny it or fall out of it.

Even when someone has hurt you beyond repair, you can not wish it away.  They can betray you and destroy you. You will still love them. You may pray to never see them again and you will still have that love. Actively hate them only because you can not stop the love. Love is immoveable, undeniable, unyielding and unrelenting. No one can choose whom they love. No one can fall out of love. Love is the source of all that drives us in one way or another. Love is God, Love is religion. Love is the source of life and strife and all that makes us what we are.

It is not something that can be explained. It is not how you feel. It cannot be known only experienced. It cannot be taken away only given. It will make you crazy and also show you the face of god. So I say to my daughter. I love your mother because I have no choice. I love your mother because I am child of the source. I Love your mother because I am love embodied and it is Devine and undeniable. I love your mother because she is your mother. All of these things are true. The real answer is that I do not know why I love your mother but I do It doesn’t matter why I do I simply do.